I sampled this beautiful song (below) and wrote a song to it called “Trying”
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June 26th
And life ain’t even that bad
I’m doing everything I dreamed of
But dreams don’t really mean much
when the re-ality interrupts
that I’m alone dreaming this up
missing all the people I love
feel l I can see them but they just
was projections of my ego…fuck
I done seen Inception too many times
Watching movies in my hotel room
Trying to get reception in this muthafucka
Don’t know where to point my cell phone to
Even if the cell phone could be used
Just gon’ hear a message tone go (dooooo)
Text you a little message “guess who”
Just in case you don’t check it too soon
Ex girlfriend cell phone blues
Too many times I been here
With the same cell phone to my ear
Taking in the things that I don’t wanna hear
Staring at generic patterns on the floor
Palming all the bad art on the wall
Didn’t know marriage was
Condition of us being friends
Guess you want it all?
Better that I find out here now
Than years down the road divorce court
Fuck you then bitch now my voice hoarse
Here go another show I gotta force
Mamma please pick up
‘pologies it’s what?
am here pm pacific
she get up telling me just finish
keep doing my thing
I’m trying
Naka wanted me to be that man about 4 or 5 years ago
Never told all the fears I hold
Fears I held I feared wouldn’t go
Peer into my soul
It was pure unintentional
The tears I stole
Yeah you know
Here I go with that “it was just a
Bad period”
21 years you’re an adult
no age for maturity tho
should of known I couldn’t get serious
smilin’ all ear to earhole
all them ol’ pimp peers I rolled
with always kept me near them hoes
scared to get close
couldn’t bare to bare my terrible lows
the terror below
I’m trying to keep it checked
I tear and I fold
Living with what they can’t cure me for
The nearest I’ll go
To sharing the whole
Of what I’ll never let em hear in the flow
But I care for you so
If you’re curious
I’ll share with you more
One day when you say dear to me or don’t stare at me cold
Said I’d be a better writer if I show
The vulnerable man that I am
That goal I’m steering towards
Ain’t there yet
I am trying
June 27th
Show on the weekend
Drank on the weekend
Smoke on the weekend
Hand in hand
Feeling like a little kid in candyland
I’m indulging every time I have the chance
Just ripped the stage
Time to celebrate
Bait for them broads
Acting celibate
Drank a little something
Get a little open
Sex hotter than a
Ooh now we smoking
Good times
Plus it’s something to talk about if I ain’t writing hood rhymes
And them crimes
I never did
My generation on that “read’ to die” tip
Big poppa’s kids self destructive
So I self destruct just to stay relevant
Trying to get in to hip hop heaven
Gotta show that you could let the devil in
Cool right now
Get a nice thou
After every time I put the mic down
But I’m living life
Every other night
Under spotlights
Or it’s lights out
Are we celebrating
Or we medicating
Do this everyday
This a lifestyle
Pressure raising
Now the stress takes a jameson
Maybe I should take a timeout
logic is
If you said yes yesterday
Then yes today
Is really all there is
But I I’ll say no for tomorrow
for more tomorrows
fore my life ends
I’m trying
4th of July
I have been trying to write a verse a day. It made less sense to spend two hours a day on a verse right now when soon that will be all I can do; so I decided to just continue my free journals for now.
I looked in the mirror today and thought I was beautiful. I can’t see why the women I want don’t see it the same.
These last 4 days have been difficult in terms of inspiration. I long to play poker and I dread the music making process. I think I do this for everything I am emerged in. I find one thing that I use to do and make it seem like it was the best thing ever. I know I am trying to escape. I have no other means in terms of substances. Is this the way life is suppose to be, I wonder? And how does one get any substantial work done if an escape is always so necessary? I guess with my old escapes of drinking and smoking, I could continue to do what I was trying to escape from. This other way, I must really escape and then I feel bad. It might be healthy. Maybe I need a better escape. A woman? Ah, yes…not ready though.
This day marks one year from the point that set so much of what is happening in my life right now into motion. A year ago today, two women intersected in my life to act out a string of events, which have resulted in my yearlong back-to-back heartbreak. It is the day that I begin my gradual relinquishing of alcohol and weed, which I believe gave me the confidence and strength to let go of it completely during my residency. A year ago today, I began the work that landed me the residency where I began the play and the album that I am still in the process of, as I am completely sober and dealing with the true loss of one of the women who was so integrated in my life just one year ago. All of that has so much to do with me being here in California, across the country from where I thought I would be at least until 2012.
I hope today marks a new beginning. I want to watch those fireworks today and feel a rebirth. A new start. I want to put forward a new chain in motion. I am living better. I am treating people better. I am in touch with something greater. I have absolute faith that it will all come back. And more. I can’t wait for next year. Happy Independence Day. Today I am free from pain.
1 response so far ↓
1 O.A. // Jul 6, 2011 at 5:34 am
Downbeat-
I read the words, “…I dread the music making process.” and I feel a bit sad. As a fan I want you to finish this album. As a fan I long for more songs like “Take It Away” and “Move”. As a fan I want these things because that is the Dahlak my musical heart feel in love with. You’re in a different place now though. Although there is always passion, intensity and often even seriousness in your words, the saddest I’ve heard musically is probably “Rainbow On My Ceiling”. They say you can often hear a smile better than you can see one and although I can only hear your written words in my mind, more importantly I can’t feel your smile which always seems so evident.
As an admirer I want this album yesterday but as person who listens with her heart more so than her ears, I want an honest one even more. If that means expressing more pain and hurt than you (we) might be used to, then by all means – I hope you take the time you need to no longer dread the music making process. We can all wait. I’m not sure if you’re hoping for the inspiration that helps you write songs like the ones listed above or just hoping for the inspiration to write anything at all – either way, I hope that whatever words are written are honest and from the soul, even if you’re feeling slightly Eeyore-ish at moments. Your honesty is what makes us all feel so connected and anyone who has allowed themselves to truly feel their own emotions will understand if this next album is a healing one rather than a healer.
There’s melancholy present where there didn’t seem to be any a year before and yet you’re better than the person you where a year before. Hmmm, imagine that? I feel corny for sounding cliché yet I can’t help but think that through every adverse situation, lessons can be learned and good memories can be gained. I hope you can find inspiration in THAT. I hope you recognize that while some good things may appear to be missing, others have taken their place. You just may have to change perspective a little to see them (squinting usually works for me).
I read these verses and it doesn’t sound like a man free from pain but like a man making his way through it, so I can only assume that 7/4 was a day free from pain and well…today may be a very different day. Either way, I hope you don’t ever feel the pressure to be the person you’re aiming for when you’re not quite ready. Go through your (e)motions, re-find/refine your rhythm and those of us who truly love you: your 3 Fs – we’ll be here for the whole ride, up AND down.
I can only assume that it might feel strange to hear your own music and listen with comprehension as if in third person. If it isn’t too odd though, I’d encourage you to give it a try. You may find that you’re the very inspiration you’ve been looking for this whole time.
PS – Glad to see the last post ended on a positive note. Good sign, indeed. This whole crazy life of ours is a process. Once you reach one goal, you’ll be aching for another one like a junkie, high on life. Enjoy the ride; including the bumps…they keep you awake and appreciative of the rest stops.
As always, much love and best wishes…
-O
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