I was trying to save this journal writing time for later in the day since a lot of my morning journals had reflected depression. I didn’t think that I was that depressed in general so I blamed it on the morning. I wanted to get a perspective of my thinking once my day is done and it doesn’t seem as daunting as it did when I woke. I didn’t feel that was necessary today. I woke up feeling good. Actually, it’s bigger or better than good. I woke up feeling like I have the potential to be happy. The way things are going, I feel like I have real potential to be happy over here. I am engaged in my spiritual practices, I workout, I don’t allow anything in my body that I will have to comedown from (except coffee), I’m around my family, and I will be dedicating most of my time to making music. It’s like I have everything I need. I had this before I guess but not all the factors. I realize that family might have been the missing key in Ithaca. On the days when I couldn’t understand why my depression would still get the best of me although I was taking all the steps for it not to. It’s not just weed or alcohol or not working out that can bring one down, it can be as simple as not having the people who have known you most and who love you more than anybody. I forgot that. The way I see it, of course I can still grow, but this seems to be a foundation to having a life, that even when tough or when conflict arises, I can still appreciate. It’s the balance. I feel, at least right now, and I don’t want to jinx it, that this is almost the perfect balance for me. I guess a romantic partner would be the next step but honestly, that’s how I see it, the NEXT step. I’m not ready for that yet. I have to heal and I have to appreciate this time as a time of healing. I came here to be filled with that love I was seeking from a lover, from my family and friends. . And although it’s different, and you can’t be as intimate with them or have sex with them (!), love is still love. It can always get a little better.
There’s room for improvement. But today, right now, I feel filled and I feel I will be filled. I just hope to continue in this path and in this light. I will continue to give my most to God with the faith that God will give me back even more. I will continue to direct myself away from that which I have learned through the years will eventually hurt me. I will continue to invest myself and my time in that which I have learned through the years will be there for me, will fulfill me, will improve my quality of life, and that will bring me to my ultimate goals. I will continue to get ready for my partner. I will build my body. I will strengthen my mind. I will make the most beautiful music ever. I will love all those who have loved me. I feel good this morning so I chose to write it down.
Plus I don’t know what else to do while drinking my smoothie.
3 responses so far ↓
1 O.A. // Jun 28, 2011 at 3:00 am
I really don’t have the words to express myself adequately right now but I just wanted to leave a note to let you know that you are not alone. I hear you, as I always have, but I suppose but after reading your entries I’m beginning to see you more clearly. Sometimes I wish I was brave enough to let people see me this well. The part of me that’s this brave created a YouTube channel a while back that I was quite proud of, with lots of supporters – only to end up taking it down when the more private, introverted me decided to show its face again. The vulnerability freaked me out, perhaps. I was always the person who knew a lot of people but consciously had very few true friends. In the end, all of it centers on trust or my lack thereof.
Since childhood I’ve responded to my own pain by helping others find their way through theirs. The genuine satisfaction of seeing people find happiness and joy fills me up in a way that pushes out the pain. Or so I thought for a long time. In the recent past I have begun to find myself trusting again and finally talking about me in an intimate way with friends who have truly stood the test of time and/or circumstance. I still have trouble truly talking about my feelings. Partly because at the end of the day I believe most people truly don’t give a shit, even when they think they do, so I’d rather not waste anyone’s time. Another side of it is that too many people look to me for strength and guidance so any wavering in my stance makes them uneasy. In turn, I’ve always tried put on the smiling face but inside sometimes I’m simply dying. My new found trust may cause me hurt at some point again, but at almost 30 years of life I realize that no matter how bad it hurts, the pain never lasts. I love myself more than I ever have – not to say that I was ever self-deprecating or self-abusive but in the sense that I wasn’t always nurturing myself the way I did others. I eat well, I sleep plenty, I workout, I volunteer, I create, I laugh, I explore and I surround myself with people & things that lift and fill me up. That still means helping those in need both friends and strangers alike; however, I’m learning to run to the good while actually addressing and dealing with the pain.
Basically, I do the things I love and I do them often. At one point in my life the way to get to this place was by removing myself physically from friends & family and finding peace with my own world and existence. Now, after so many years and miles away, I find myself craving family & friends again. The need for human interaction is stronger than it’s been in some time yet when I visit home, I’m ready to leave within days. This is leading me to the realization that I need the type of lifestyle which allows me to travel often. After going from the NE to SE to SW, I have pockets of people I cherish all over the country and since there haven’t been any major improvements in human cloning as of late, whether by plane, by train or by boat, I need doses of loved ones followed by long period of pseudo-solitude yet never loneliness. Thankfully I enjoy my own company the most, as I always have, except now I’m learning how to face the pain rather than bury it away. The saying goes “a place is only as good as the people in it” and while I agree, I’m learning how to love more fully even if it is at times from a distance.
I’ve thanked you more than once for your music, and I always will. Listening to you helped me get through the most creatively difficult years of my life: grad school. And while I’m so very close but no cigar (thy dreaded thesis), I’m beginning to come down off of an extremely difficult point in my life (for a variety of reasons) and as I do so, the task of finishing what I’ve started doesn’t seem quite so daunting because of this new found “me”.
Your honesty here is a reminder that from pain comes beauty, through adversity comes creativity and through genuine self-nurturing comes genuine self-realization…and with all of that – the world is y(ours). Through your work, I feel magic and through your pain I can see it too. From the very bottom of my heart, I thank you, for being who I’m not quite ready (or willing?) to be. Through your vulnerability I benefit, but please know it’s not in vain and I will do my part to pay it forward, both to myself and to others.
PS – I really was only going to start with a note but once I got going, tears started flowing and a portion of me came out that I share with few…I figured it would be hypocritical to stop. I have much to say specifically regarding your posts but for now please know someone is truly listening. Clearly I don’t know all the details and source of your feelings but if good vibes and best wishes count for a damned thing in this world, I’m sending some into the universe just for D.B.
- O
2 Karla // Jul 4, 2011 at 2:32 am
Good night Dahla,
I didn’t want to seem like a stalker with my comments so I decided not to for a minute. But I have been checking in hoping for something new and inspiring. Perhaps you’re taking much needed time for you,I understand that. I hope that you are continuing the healing process. Take time for family and friends this holiday weekend. Are you doing any shows in Philly or NY soon? I would love to catch a show sometime. I think you are amazing and I simply want to experience it all again.
Peace,
Karla
3 Dahlak // Jul 4, 2011 at 9:37 pm
Karla, you inspired me to begin posting again. I have been journaling on and off. I have barely had time for that so I have even less time to edit and post. Most of my journals have been verses that will hopefully make my album. I always feel a little weird letting people read my verses when there is so much character in the delivery of it. Hopefully some of it is evident in the language alone.
O.A., thank you for your words. These entries have been great for allowing me to be open to others but I have also enjoyed the reciprocation. In a scary way, however, you remind me very much of the woman who is responsible for my lows. Because of that, I feel like I understand you very much as well. Happy you are making steps towards becoming the person you know you need to be. I will continue to reflect on my path and hopefully we can continue to give light to each other.
I appreciate you both very much!
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