What a day. After an incredibly peaceful night, I woke up in a horrible state. Had a dream that I was watching the bitch we do not speak of having sex with the spitting stutterer on some love seat. Once she saw that I was watching she asked him to cum inside of her. So fucked up. Nastier stuff happened but now that I am making this journal public, I feel like I would be betraying my subconscious if I fully disclosed. But the peace that I had last night was so strange and strangely, I was beginning to feel the headache right now that I felt last night that seemed to phenomenally catapult me into a state of peaceful disconnectedness. I saw everything as trivial and I was fine…with everything. I felt very close to that tonight as I was on the roof of Adriel and Nico’s apartment. I was relaxed and focused and carefree. This however was not attained without a violent internal war that at its climax led me to deep despair.

On the way from Philly to New York to interview for the DTW artist-in-residency program (I did good by the way, but I wasn’t feeling the love…), I met a girl who grew up with a mile or two from where I did. I found this out only because she sat next to me and I was starving. I asked for her other half of the sandwich she was eating and she was more than happy to give it to me. We seemed to have a good start, but I got the sense she wasn’t interested or had a boyfriend , and then I got quiet. I wanted to stay true to my resolutions of not risking my heart in this vulnerable state. I thought at first that this was the answer to my loneliness. She was cute. But that would have been too easy. Thinking of it now, I should have just gave her my card. Maybe she’s on facebook though. Her name was Natasha I believe. She went to Drexel. Couldn’t have been no coincidence. And if there was nothing else to it, maybe it was God just saying, I’m here…again. And Lord knows I need that…

Bamu and I had a good talk about this piece today. Start discussing the second act of play, which begins deconstructing the language used to defend the criminality of drugs in the law. The sole use of the word “abuse”, we exchanged, excluded very necessary and relevant words that might make that argument less convincing. These words are “absorption”, “indulgence” and “addiction”. The work of the second act will be to bring out the grays between drug abuse and drug abstinence. There’s so much to do but he seems to be riding with me. I feel him. It’s not close to being there despite the fact that I have put so much of what I can do into it already. I hear him – even in what he’s not saying. But it’s like he’s my echo. Doesn’t need to tell me it’s hot but feels it. Pushes me to greater and greater and has no doubt that no matter how absent my full potential may be right now, it will eventually show up. That’s what I hear in what he says and how he acts. I love that. I want to pull it together for him. Even though everyday may be a new struggle in getting over Cruella, in dealing with the lowest point of loneliness, and trying to not be overwhelmed by how much work must be done to bring this project to life in a timely manner, if I can reach this point of peace every night, I will push through for that. I love these glimpses and I pray for more of it.