My residency with Bamuthi has begun. I don’t know if he likes it as is but I believe he does. He is suggesting a lot of work though – which I’m down for. It’s just right now, the coffee has exited my body and the depression is re-entering. I told that intimate stranger over text message that I wouldn’t be talking to her again because of the promise she broke and the coldness she suddenly enacted upon me. I am struggling to imagine me never talking to her again and finding peace without ever knowing if she feels truly bad for the bond she forced me to sever irreparably. I am struggling to imagine myself trusting another women – and maybe even – another person with anything. And then I struggle with imagining how much loneliness that will force me to endure. I can only POSSIBLY trust myself and maybe my mom, my dad and my brother (Yonatan as well) so I feel like that must be with my circle as I attempt to heal. I know this could get boring very quick so then I am overwhelmed with imagining how I will manage. I wonder if I will stay true to my resolutions. Can I give up my search for a loving partner the way I have given up weed and alcohol? At what point will my boredom break me? When I get to the point when I am not so filled with rage and hurt towards this alien I once was in love with, how long will I have to go until I’m not curious if she thinks about it and/or regrets her decision? When will my need for companionship overwhelm my need to not be vulnerable to seemingly worthy candidates? Will I find my love? Or will I settle like settled for this alien; where I ignore her inhumane features for convenience sake. Will I get to the point again where this is just good for now? I am scared.

Bamuthi just asked, “It’s hard huh?” It is. I re-enter this process having done so much work only to find out that there is way more to do. I know all I have to do is make it through this moment simply with the acknowledgement that all I will have to ever do is make it through moments. They won’t happen all at once like they are in my head. I guess I just want to make it through today. Keep it real, I wish a month would go by already so I can build some confidence to rest my doubt upon. I’m just dealing with so many unknowns right now. Again…who am I?